Women’s Need for Affection Drives Regular Relationship Sex

cwSex is so much more rewarding for women when they feel affection for their lover. In the early days a man is more motivated to show his appreciation for a lover by being affectionate. In asking (implicitly or explicitly) for sex a man is asking for a favour. A woman’s affectionate response gives him the confidence to initiate sex. As the affection dies, sex becomes a mechanical exercise for a woman and a man finds it increasingly awkward to suggest sex explicitly or to simply assume it’s on offer. So women’s need for affection drives regular sex within loving relationships.

Sex occurs much more easily in the early stages of a relationship because being affectionate with each other provides the most natural lead-in to sex. First a woman offers some affectionate interaction by touching or kissing her lover. Her lover communicates his desire by kissing back with passion, by touching the woman with an increased focus on the erogenous zones and by indicating his own arousal by pressing his groin against her body.

Some people suggest that couples who enjoy casual nudity are uninhibited. But a woman may avoid nudity if sex becomes focused on satisfying a man’s needs but fails to provide her with the affection she needs. Most usually women want intercourse when they are in love, in the early days of a romance. In this scenario lovemaking is an expression of their love but also it is only a small part of the quality time they spend with a lover.

A woman may instinctively want children but this desire is only indirectly related to sex by responding to a man’s initiative. Women engage in intimate relationships because of their need for affectionate companionship (that is sometimes combined with a desire for sexual activity). In the film ‘Born on the fourth of July’ (1989) playing a young man paralysed from the waist down, Tom Cruise asks “who is going to love me?” Men need sex. But a woman is devastated (not by the prospect of missing out on intercourse over decades but) by the fact that she will never be a mother!

Despite all evidence to the contrary men insist that women must ‘enjoy’ sex exactly as they do. But women do not obtain the same kind of comfort from sex. So women need time to develop the much deeper emotional attachment that helps them justify offering a man intercourse over decades.

If we all had men’s promiscuous instincts there would be no long-term relationships. Someone has to be tied into one person. A woman does this with no ‘sex drive’ at all! Quite something if you think about it! Women may be passive in a genital sense but they have a strong ’emotional drive’.

Some Men Expect Women to Make Sex “Exciting” for Them

dw2Some women approach sex with romantic illusions. They expect a lover to be so aroused by their body that he ‘sweeps them off their feet’ with his sexual passion. They may not accept the need to offer any more turn-ons.

Women’s ‘responses’ with a lover are driven by social attitudes. For example, in the past women were often expected NOT to respond to intercourse. Men considered it unseemly for a woman to cooperate with intercourse. Perhaps the idea that a woman might be getting something from the activity put pressure on a man to continue intercourse for longer than he could. This is yet more evidence that women’s responses with a lover involve conscious behaviours rather than spontaneous sexual responses. No one can easily suppress their natural responsiveness over long periods.

Films use sound effects to indicate a couple having sex off-screen: a regular banging (of a bed against a wall) and the woman’s vocal accompaniment. Such scenes may represent a turn-on for men but it seems to me that men enjoy making female arousal into a tasteless joke. Male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women to conform to men’s view of their sexuality. Female orgasm is more often associated with porn than with real life.

Men who watch porn (I realise that is any male with access to a computer!) come to expect every woman (even their wives) to provide these turn-ons. Some women are never exposed to accounts of how women provide a ‘sexual performance’ for the gratification of a male audience. Even if they are, many women are not equipped with the sexual instincts to provide this erotic show. Men seem to think that every woman has the skills of a porn star, a prostitute or a mistress. Such a woman needs to be unoffended by men’s carnal instincts and able to put on a convincing erotic performance.

We experience intimacy not just through sex but also through inflicting pain. We hurt others (either physically or by what we say) because it feels good. We obtain a form of personal gratification but this is not necessarily sexual. Women can be bullies as much as men but they are not equipped (physically or emotionally) to get sexual gratification from others by force.

In the UK there were 53,665 sexual offences (rape, sexual assault, sexual activity with minors and ‘other sexual offences’) in 2011. There were only 103 women in custody for sexual offences (compared with 10,832 men). The vast majority of women had an offence type of ‘other sexual offences’.

My Wife Is Initiating Sex and I Don’t Know About It

233Initiating Sex series – My wife is initiating sex and I don’t know about it… That’s right fellas your wife is initiating sex and more often than you think. Pay closer attention and give her some credit. If this were a men’s only article, I would literally write 2 or 3 killer opening sentences and before getting right to the point. If you want her to get the message you have got chill out when it seems like I am favoring the female perspective. I am not biased at all and the goal here is for us all to receive and share in efforts to learn from each other.

Every man wants his wife to initiate sex sometimes…

The thing is she might not be doing it or saying it the way that you have desired to receive it but trust me often times she is actually the one who did initiated it… You just took the credit. What husband doesn’t want to feel like when he’s having sex with his wife that she actually wants to have sex with him? “Ladies, hear me out, we want YOU to be more vocal sometimes. What we actually want is to hear YOU tell us that you want it and your husband loves it when you tell him when, where, why and how you want him.”

Let’s all take a step back and seek to understand our spouses, what it is they feel they are doing and what they desire and have healthy dialogue about it. Happy fellas? Good! Now it’s your turn to do the listening. She wants to be pursued… Most women, not all, but most are very submissive when it comes to initiating sex; it is what is. The feminine ways of the wife comes out and her inner princess kicks into overdrive. Now fellas the inner princess is a three headed monster, not really because it’s very non-threatening. I call it 3 headed and drop the monster part. The first head is comes from her daddy/uncle/grandfather they may her feel like the world was waiting on her and that she literally only needed to show up. “I am guilty of that with my nieces.” The second head was developed by you. You have catered to her and made her feel comfortable and confident in her femininity sense the day you laid eyes on her. The third one is her nature coupled with traditional teachings of the chivalrous man. So without training and communication her instinct is to wait for you to make the first move. She may make herself available to you but she badly wants to be pursued. Think about the fact that most men not all but most men will be the ones who initiate asking the woman out. To be honest there are some women who won’t have it any other way. How often do you hear the husband and wife debate about who went after who first? It’s common right? Well the reason why, is because more times than none their perspective of what happened is just different even though the stories maintain some sort of closeness. Perspective is sometimes a silent killer that must have a voice. For the purpose of this example we will call the husband Tony, the wife Sharon and her friends name will be Tina.

Okay here we go…

Tony and Sharon are an awesome couple and others have always been intrigued to hear the story of how they met just as much as Tony and Sharon enjoy sharing it. While the pair have very few disagreements, this is a subject they playfully debate about quite often… their accounts of just who went after whom first is ALWAYS in question.

Tony consistently boasts that his wife, Sharon, pursued him first while she insists Tony was the one to pursue his interest in her. As they each tell their accounts of the night they met, they both agree on a few details… they met at a party when Sharon’s friend Tina mentioned to Tony that her friend “thought he was cute” and suggested that he ask her to dance. They agree that the attraction was mutual as Tony owned up to checking her out from afar and Tina agrees that she saw him and told Tina she thought he was “cute or whatever”. They also agree to exchanging numbers after Sharon agreed to Tony’s invitation to dance. Their story begins to divide when it comes to the initiation of pursuit.

Tony believes that Sharon was the initiator because it was her friend, Tina, who initially approached him to let him know of Sharon’s attraction and suggesting that he make the next move by asking her to dance. Sharon on the other hand, insists that it was actually Tony who initiated their encounter because he introduced himself to her.

If you examine the situation closely it seems like they both Tony and Sharon experienced the same encounter, however they did not experience it the same way. The differences in each of their experiences contributed to how they determined the true initiator. (In my eyes Tina was the initiator.)

What’s more important to you being right or being productive?

This type of cross pattern in communication happens a lot of times in marriage and the bedroom is not off limits either. Often times a “feminine submissive” wife will make herself available by putting the kids to bed early, cleaning up, not turning the TV on, showering and hopping into the bed waiting on her husband to make his move. If he doesn’t she may feel unwanted and sadly off to sleep she will go. On the other hand the husband may see this as repeat neglectful behavior and doesn’t realize that she has presented her interest, only in a non-verbal way. When he does make the advance in this situation he feels that he alone initiated sex, not realizing that the opportunity was present because his wife in fact desired sex and thought that this message was made clear because she presented herself as available for it, assuming that he would reciprocate by following up with a more assertive response.

Does this sound like you? Unfortunately, this is a pattern happening with many husbands and wives every night.

If we allow this to continue often enough the wife may feel like her initiating sex is being ignored… rejected even and the husband will grow frustrated and may even feel like she is only having sex with him as if sex is a “chore” or a wifely duty, instead of feeling desired.

Don’t forget to use your words…

Finding out how your partner recognizes initiation in the bedroom is key, you HAVE to talk to each other. The sexual frustration that develops from feeling rejected or undesired is dangerous! Tensions grows which eventually leads to lack luster sex or no sex at all. Soon the arguments start because the husband is highly frustrated. Meanwhile, the wife feels rejected and unattractive.

… and I think you may guess what happens next!

The husband belts out “I’m sick of you never initiating sex I am tired of being the only one who ever initiates sex.” In defense the wife yells out “I do initiate sex” The husband fires back “How?” She explains how she puts the kids to bed early, cleans up, doesn’t turn the TV on, showers and gets into bed waiting for him only to have him act like she doesn’t even exist. He laughs in rage “You call that initiating sex? You don’t even do anything. You just lay there waiting for me to make a move.” The wife shuts down because she thought the entire time that she was doing her part only to get this reaction from her frustrated, hurting husband. She now feels lost because she doesn’t even know where to begin. The husband in his rage is upset with her quietness and just goes to sleep only to revisit this dangerous cycle every few months until the brink of talks of divorce.

Inside the arguments lies the treasure of the unspoken…

If the husband and wife could have presented their perspectives to each other before arguing about them things could have been a lot different but instead they allowed time and routine to take over and now they are in sexual rut and at the point of possibly splitting up. It’s not too late! What has to happen now is forgiveness and then a plan of action must be put in place and they have to get comfortable with sharing their sexual needs wants and desires with each other before the point of frustration. So let me be clear there is absolutely nothing wrong with a “feminine submissive” wife. What I am saying, is that she needs to be and feel understood and may need training and patience while she tries to meet demands and needs of her husband to be more forth coming and vocal when she is initiating sex.

I like it like that…

Tell your spouse what you need and take turns accommodating each other’s individual needs. This is another reason why you need to connect physically so often because you don’t want the other spouse to feel cheated in their efforts to meet your needs that theirs are ignored because connection is so far apart. It’s so important that when your spouse is making an effort to meet your needs, whether it’s in initiating sex, in the act itself or during pregame activities; you need to tell them that you appreciate them and that you liked it when they did whatever it was that you desire from them. As you can see I am big on recognition.

… Just the opposite?

Let’s not forget about the “feminine dominant” wife. Often times she gets a bad rep because she is misunderstood and the fact is just like every spousal type she needs training to properly accommodate the needs of her husband and vice versa.

She is naturally more vocal both in and out of the bedroom. She embraces her femininity but at the same time she can be very dominant and leans more on presence than her emotions. I will say it again there is nothing wrong with a “feminine submissive or dominant” wife as long as their husbands seek to understand them and how they are wired while they simultaneously work to be more accommodating to the needs of that husband.

The plus side to her nature is the fact that she may not have a problem saying to her husband that she wants sex or how in fact she wants it. Outside of the bedroom she typically is result oriented oppose to dealing with the emotional sides of things which often time can match that of a husband. There is a lot more to her but by now you may think that the “feminine dominate” wife is ideal oppose to the submissive but really it’s about preference. Even they have lots to work on how to properly initiate sex with their husband because of other deficiencies. They may have the vocal part down to a science and may naturally be more confident in verbally speaking their mind about their particular sexual needs but she may also come off brash and forget to turn off the domineering when the husband wants to be in control. This may be a major problem when the husband wants to have sex with his wife who feels that she can reject his sexual request because she is busy, tired or just doesn’t want to be very sexy at the moment. Also, when she feels pain or hurt she may verbalize it in a way that is not well received by her husband and his masculinity could be threatened. These problem and others arise when she lets her dominant nature get out of order. Some “feminine dominate” wives can be controlling, dominating, or even abusive to their husbands and in result lead to a serious breakdown in communication because of the lack of resources for those experiencing this to get the proper help. This can also spill over into the bedroom and the husband can feel more like a tool than a wanted husband. The husband can feel like he is in a relationship with another male because of her personality if she doesn’t work to add more submissive balance. The obvious problem here is that the average heterosexual husband does not want to have sex with a wife who he views as too masculine and especially not at the expense of his own masculinity.

Earlier I mentioned, how communicating with the “feminine dominant” wife can often times be easier for the husband because of the common thought process. This can also be bad because having two strong opinions that have different views can lead to very intense conversations. It is advantageous for the couple to table the conversations for a later time so that intimacy isn’t totally destroyed.

Eventually I will create more content that is focused on the nature of a man and woman and how your nature is not your excuse in marriage. For now I am just going to touch on it and move on so I can get to my final thought. So here’s my final thought… No matter what feminine wife type that you are or have both submissive and dominant need the same core things:

  1. Training – She must be taught what you like in order to accommodate her husband’s needs in communicating and in the bedroom.
  2. Patience – She will need time to adjust because this may be very new for her and at first she may learn to her individual nature. Sometimes she will need a nice reminder
  3. Recognition – If she is making an effort to meet the need of her husband he should be working doubly as hard to meet hers as well as recognizing her for her efforts.

Wives it is important that you not to let your nature or the way that you wired get in the way or be an excuse not to accommodate your husband’s needs.

I Love How You Look When You Wear … to Bed!

saWell I know I just got about 60 million (number of married men in the US) high fives but fellas before you celebrate we have a little work to do ourselves and trust me I will get into it in a few.

Now ladies before you beat me up about the initial title this is not a bashing this is me doing my best at bringing some comic relief to a situation that is serving as an intimacy assassinator in lots of households.

I only share because I am 100% committed to helping us all reach optimal levels of intimacy in our individual marriages.

Yes I also know that I just set myself up for a battle.

I haven’t even completed my thoughts towards this article and I know my darling wife JeanMarie has already drafted a retaliation post. LOL (I love you honey!)

Wives please listen very carefully. What your husband sees at home and in the bedroom is vital to taking care of his physical intimacy needs. That doesn’t in anyway take away from what you need at all. Keep in mind that you as his wife have 100% responsibility in taking care of this need for him. Nobody else legally should be fulfilling them in any way.

Let me pause by saying as married couples we cannot wait for our spouses to respond to our individual needs before giving them what they need and desire. Somebody has to start the giving process and that somebody is YOU. That’s right even if you are always the one who is giving. We have to stop keeping score on who does what in the marriage. That too can be devastating to the way we connect as husband and wife.

I understand that this is something millions of men are dealing with on a daily basis and some have gotten fed up with even talking about it. (Don’t ever get TIRED of communicating. As we improve on our delivery and serving the message may one day be received and change will be inevitable.)

Yes ladies I get it. We love the end result that you get from the night time beauty treatments too… But UMMMM!

“Not EVERY night!” (Which by the way was the initial title until JeanMarie told me to change it.)

Intimacy is mostly physical for most men. It doesn’t mean we aren’t emotional it just means physical is usually our dominant force that moves our emotions.:lol: Most of us have this image embedded in our heads of what sexy is and for the most part YOU are it for us… Just not with the fancy combination pictured below AKA “The Honey you aren’t getting any tonight kit”

Okay I joke because we as husbands are always physically attracted to you. More times than none if we just catch a glimpse of your “skin” we are visually stimulated and still want sex.

In that same breath ladies give us a break in your night time apparel. It’s okay and inviting if you come to bed with nothing on but your oil or lotion trust we won’t complain. Don’t worry about getting cold; come close because we will keep you warm right after we have had great sex. LOL

But in all seriousness some nights come to bed with some sexy lingerie that we picked out together or bought for you, put your makeup on, put on your HIGHEST HEELS, spray your perfume and throw on a wig for a little variety.

Make it fun! Come up with a few alter egos and rock your husband’s world like you just met (for those of us who didn’t wait until marriage).

*Find out what your husband likes and go for it.

Husband’s do yourself and your wife a favor by being very attentive to her and thank her for her effort as she is 11 times out of 10 doing it for you.

PERSPECTIVE IS IMPORTANT

A lot of times you will hear wives say “No I am not wearing that because I am not a hooker, prostitute, stripper or it makes me look fat. In reality you don’t like any of those to us as husbands as long as we are in the privacy of one another. As a matter of fact the world has gotten it wrong again. How did those professions get to take credit for that awesomeness of attire? To be 100% honest with you they were given that without a fight.

The prostitute/stripper/streetwalker is dressed up in fantasy gear that a wife wears or should war for her husband to spice up the marriage bed.

That’s right she is trying to be like you without the reservations that you may have.

I’m serious! Look up some of the stores that sell bedroom apparel. They even call the clothing or lack there of intimates.

Intimate by definition means close having, involving, or resulting from a close personal relationship; quiet and private or secluded, enabling people to feel relaxed with each other.

So you see this kind of clothing was designed for the marriage bed the most Intimate relationship between a Man and a Woman.

Husband’s keep in mind that money is what erases the reservations from porn stars/strippers/prostitutes. Most women are not hard wired to express themselves sexually like this without some type of consolation. (Hint: Husband’s find out what it takes to erase some of your wife’s reservations. You won’t find out unless you talk to her.)

She may also say…

“I don’t want to wear it because it makes me feel uncomfortable!”

Now this is an issue that either comes from the husband’s lack of attention and compliments on how beautiful your body looks to him or you might suffer from some insecurity issues that must be worked out immediately. Husband’s tread lightly and be sure to help them work through these insecurities and wives reward them for their effort.

One of the worst things you can do is punish your spouse because of faulty thinking. If your husband asks you to wear fantasy clothing take it as a compliment.

Disclaimer: Don’t wear it with an attitude just to please him or frump around because you think it makes you look ridiculous that can wreck the whole night and cancel out your phenomenal progress. Husband’s when you see her put on the biggest grin/smile and make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

Ladies we think you look your best when you feel like your best. So really try to remember why you are doing this and use that to fuel your confidence.

Oh yeah don’t worry if the material feels a little uncomfortable because if you wear it right you won’t have it on long anyway.

Husband’s once again if your wife starts to make any changes recognize her for it immediately. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you continue to do something that you really weren’t all that thrilled about only to receive the same reaction as you received before making the changes? You better listen to me because if you don’t fill up her love tank for making the extra effort watch how quickly she will stop.

Get into character…

“Sex is often times a planned event when you are married. Don’t feel bad about that. Sure a little spontaneity is fun but at least you are prioritizing to make physical intimacy a priority in your marriage.”

To take total control over his mind start early on in the day and don’t wait until it is time for bed so you both will already be in character and warmed up.

Call him during the day while at work and flirt a little and say something that will set him off and let him know you have to go and hang up the phone. Send him a sext message to let him know you can’t wait for your appointment this evening.

If you play this out right he will do almost anything to get to you. If you need time to set up have him do things that you would normally have to do that often times get in the way of your physical intimacy. The moment everything is done run his shower for him and tell him to get in and maybe join him…

Whatever you do stay in character and have lots of FUN. Most importantly leave your “Honey you aren’t getting any tonight” kit tucked under the bed. NOPE just go ahead and burn it! I’m joking we understand that sometimes you just want to be comfy, cozy and relaxed. After a great week of sex I guess it’s OK for you to put it on once a week everybody needs a day of rest. LOL

Before I end I want to give a special shout out to high heels and what they do to enhance the female anatomy. You are the pedestal that holds up my queen!

Okay I’m done. In the next article we will talk about initiating sex so we aren’t just showing up to bed and asking “Do you want some tonight?” (That to me feels like a cloud of cigar smoke blown in my face)

Remember great, fun and adventurous sex was designed for The Marriage Bed!