I Ended Up Separated Because Of My Mid Life Crisis, How Do I Get My Spouse Back

eMost of the time, when I get correspondence about a spouse with a mid life crisis, it comes from the spouse who is watching the process. The spouse who is not having a mid life crisis is usually trying to cope and to keep the marriage intact, while juggling all kinds of problems beyond their control.

Occasionally though, I hear from the person who is having (or has already had) the mid life crisis and is alarmed at the problems it has caused. Many times, it has severely damaged the marriage and eroded the trust. The spouse who has gone through this can be ashamed, embarrassed, and confused about how to fix things.

They may say things like: “I am embarrassed by my behavior over the last year. And it has nearly ruined my marriage. My husband doesn’t trust me anymore. I think the whole problem started when I turned 45 and started to believe that I never really had a chance to have any real fun. I married my husband right out of high school. I had children shortly after that. I never went to college because of starting a family so early. So, my career has always been sort of disappointing. My kids are all but grown and so they do not need me anymore. I kind of got a point where I looked around and wondered if this was all my life was going to entail. And that is when the trouble started. I went on social media and reconnected with old friends. Many of them were divorced, separated, or on their second marriages. And they seemed happy and more carefree than I was. Their lives seemed much more exciting. So I started going out with them. I quit my job and went to college. As a result, I made a lot of friends who were younger and I started hanging out with younger classmates after class. That meant that I started spending less time at home. My husband tried to get me to see what I was doing, but I could not see it at the time. He begged me to pay attention to our marriage, but I would not. Honestly, I’m ashamed to say this now, but at that time, it was as if I thought my husband was holding me back. So I pretty much ignored what he said. Eventually, he got tired of this and moved out. Although we haven’t really talked about it, I suppose we are separated now. And it’s only now that I realize what an idiot I’ve been. I’ve tried to apologize to my husband and explain all of this, but he mostly seems not to believe me and keeps saying that the damage is already done. I desperately want my old life back. I don’t even hang out with those people anymore and I now realize that I had a full blown mid life crisis that is now over. But how do I get my husband back now?”

You have to believe that it can be done. And I can tell you that it can because I’ve seen it done. But you will usually need some patience and an ability to keep trying even when you are not getting a response.

Understand How Hard This Must Have Been For Your Husband: First, it helps to understand and have some empathy for your husband. Imagine how it felt to be so helpless while watching your spouse act recklessly and to basically throw your marriage away for a while. When you look at it from his viewpoint, you can certainly understand why he’s leery of your claims. He remembers how badly it hurt to watch you slip away and he doesn’t want to be hurt again. As much as he may want to believe you, his fear of being hurt may be bigger than all of this.

Understand What He Likely Wants The Most: Second, you need to understand what he most wants to see from you. I’d suspect that what he wants most is stability. He has watched you be unstable for some time. Now, he wants to see you be your old, reliable, and loving self. Over and over again. Because although it’s nice to see it initially, he will often worry that as soon as he lets his guard down, you will get bored again and return to your old ways.

That is why it’s so important to be patient and to realize that you are going to have to show him stability over time. It’s very tempting to want him to give you reassurance or to take you back immediately. But this just isn’t realistic. And for the sake of your marriage, it is better if this process is gradual because this allows him to believe in it so that you have a firm base on which to rebuild. You don’t want for him to always be on alert that the shoe is going to drop again. You want him to have true confidence in you. And it’s hard to fast forward that process. Because it takes time.

Understand That Small Progress Makes Long Term Reconciliations: Start small. Maybe you start out just talking. Then, you move on to getting together in a very low key way on a regular basis. You don’t want to immediately push for a reconciliation because you have plenty to prove to him first. Move slowly and take a step forward as you are able. Show him that your relationship and his trust are more important to you than an immediate reconciliation. If you do this, he will eventually come to see that you are sincere and that he can trust you. And both of those are the first steps toward reconciling.

Tips For A Newly Wed Groom To Adjust In A Kannada Family

cabThere was a time when people used to consider Kannada families as bit traditional. But now, you will see that even they have become quite forward. So, if you are a new groom and have got the girl from a Kannada family then you can stay assured that you would have good gelling up with them. Kannada matrimony has so many rituals and customs. Thus, if you are a happy go lucky person who does not like to be part of such rituals then you must tame your mind a bit. It would be important that you have to get used to a few rituals. This is because; it would make the elders in the family happy.

The Kannada brides are pretty forward

It is important that note that even though the elders in a Kannada family would be more of the people who would love traditions, but the girls are quite forward. They are kept like in the way they can be all rounder. They respect the elders and at the same time they can work along with you. So, if you are a new groom then you must know what all rituals would be there and at the same time you should be happy that you found a girl which is really good by all means.

Tips you must remember

  • Being the new groom for a Kannada family, you must start respecting the elders. They would like talking to you and knowing things about you. It is not that they are interviewing you. But in reality, they just want to gel up with you.
  • In Kannada matrimony the relatives would call the new groom for lunch and dinner after the wedding. In fact, this is common for almost all castes. Thus, you should just find out from the bride as to who’s who and who’s doing what. This would help in keeping the conversations better.
  • You can find out from some Kannada friend as to what kind of dressing should be worn at the wedding. Also, there would be many side functions and what all clothing and attire should be worn. You can even find such details from the internet.
  • Being the groom to a Kannada family, the family would have a few expectations from you. These things are all emotionally attached and so you must try to fulfill them if possible.

Kannada people are very much sweet and they love authentic foods. If you have never tried such typical south Indian foods then you would feel bit different. Since you have got married to the Kannada bride, it would be vital to know a bit of the background and about the place. This will help in initiating the conversations. In one way, you must try to be part of the family and this would keep your wife happy forever. Every female wants that the husband should love and respect her family! So, just be sure as to how you wish to go ahead.

Saving Your Marriage Relationship

merYears ago, you took a vow in front of your family, friends, and God with your spouse. You likely held your spouse’s hands, looked in their eyes, and told them that you take them to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, and to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do you part. After you made your public commitment to your beloved, you likely sealed your love with a kiss. As soon as your lips touched, you heard the cheer of the crowd, and the pastor, priest, or government official pronounce you as man and wife. At that point you entered the sacred institution of marriage.

In that instance, your love was true and you likely believed you found your soul mate. As in most fairy tales, you thought that you would live with your loved one happily ever after. Over the next few months and years, your life continued and so did your spouse’s. You may have gone back to school, received a promotion, moved to another city, created new friendships, or may have had children. Simply put, your life didn’t stop. Think about your commitments, obligations, relationships, and experiences since your wedding day. They have certainly changed your personality, likes, and expectations. Your promise to your spouse on your wedding day was just a moment in time, possibly at that moment you wanted or needed your spouse more than you do now.

You have grown apart, instead of committing to stay involved in each other lives, you have drifted apart. The communication about your hopes, dreams, and fears has stopped. The feeling of neglect, jealousy, manipulation, or even trust could be creeping into your marriage. Possibly, one or both of you have found a sympathetic listener to the problems facing your marriage. Maybe, one person in the relationship has taken on an excessive amount of responsibility at work. How can you re-connect with your spouse and find the person that you fell in love with and married?

You can make your marriage stronger by re-opening the lines of communication. Sit down with your spouse and have a heart to heart talk. Open up and share your feelings and your concerns. Tell them what is bothering you and what you think you can do together to re-kindle your fading relationship. Change your daily habits to help your relationship develop in a positive way. Start to show them you appreciate them by greeting them when they come home or by giving them a kiss goodbye in the morning. Show your loved one that you value them and your relationship with them; one way to do this is to create time for both of you at least a few times per month. One suggestion would be a date night. Date night should not include friends or children, just the two of you. This will allow you to openly talk about issues and try to work them out without any interference. Find an activity that you both enjoy, be adventurous. Marriage is a two-way street; it will take both of you to make it work long-term.

First Steps To Save Your Marriage

nyHow do you go about trying to save your marriage?

For one, stop fighting with your spouse over stupid things.

Another step to save your marriage is stop using work and the kids as an excuse for having a horrible relationship.

Also, do at least one positive thing each day to make your marriage better.

Can you imagine how much better your marriage could be if you took these baby steps over the next 30 to 60 days?

Now, obviously changing your relationship from bad to good to great won’t happen overnight. But I assure you that it will never happen if you don’t start taking steps to save your marriage.

How about you start right now? Send your spouse a text message or email and simply say “I love you”. Nothing more and nothing less!

If you feel good after sending such a text you have just taken a baby step forward to save your marriage. Now, you do realize that in order to keep moving forward you can’t say I love you in a text message and call your spouse an idiot later in the day because he or she forgot to do something you asked to be done.

Positive words of affirmation are quickly erased and replaced by negative and sarcastic comments. Your spouse will not receive your kind and loving words if they are followed by mean, nasty and hurtful words and actions. You will have no credibility and thus your kind words or actions will not be received as such by your spouse.

One of the steps mentioned above is that you stop fighting over stupid things. We all mess up from time to time. Some of us more than others! Take time to think about what you fight about. Is it a fight worth having?

If it’s about unimportant things is it worth losing your marriage over it? If your marriage is sinking, every argument or fight puts it further and further underwater. When the baggage in the marriage gets too heavy, the marriage ends.

Why bury your marriage over petty issues. Be the more mature one and reduce the amount of childish fights you get into with your spouse. Keep in mind that you can’t tell your spouse that you are being the more mature one and thus you are not willing to fight anymore. That’s not very mature. Let your actions speak louder than your words.

As noted earlier it’s so very easy to use work and kids as an excuse for your marital problems. Don’t let that excuse drive you into divorce court. So many couples blame work and the kids for their marriage failure. You can have a job, kids and a good marriage. When you are struggling at work you put in extra time and effort to get better. You do the same thing when you see your kids growing up and becoming distant.

Why is it acceptable to become distant from your spouse? The person you promised to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

Make time for your spouse and you will have more than enough time for work and the beautiful kids you have.

Finally, make it a habit of saying or doing at least one kind thing for your spouse every day. It could be an encouraging word, a short note, an unexpected kind act or anything that would let your spouse know that he or she is loved and appreciated.

You don’t have to spend money on your spouse to make him or her happy, just thoughtful time.

Follow the simple advice noted above and you will be on your way to saving your marriage.