I Ended Up Separated Because Of My Mid Life Crisis, How Do I Get My Spouse Back

eMost of the time, when I get correspondence about a spouse with a mid life crisis, it comes from the spouse who is watching the process. The spouse who is not having a mid life crisis is usually trying to cope and to keep the marriage intact, while juggling all kinds of problems beyond their control.

Occasionally though, I hear from the person who is having (or has already had) the mid life crisis and is alarmed at the problems it has caused. Many times, it has severely damaged the marriage and eroded the trust. The spouse who has gone through this can be ashamed, embarrassed, and confused about how to fix things.

They may say things like: “I am embarrassed by my behavior over the last year. And it has nearly ruined my marriage. My husband doesn’t trust me anymore. I think the whole problem started when I turned 45 and started to believe that I never really had a chance to have any real fun. I married my husband right out of high school. I had children shortly after that. I never went to college because of starting a family so early. So, my career has always been sort of disappointing. My kids are all but grown and so they do not need me anymore. I kind of got a point where I looked around and wondered if this was all my life was going to entail. And that is when the trouble started. I went on social media and reconnected with old friends. Many of them were divorced, separated, or on their second marriages. And they seemed happy and more carefree than I was. Their lives seemed much more exciting. So I started going out with them. I quit my job and went to college. As a result, I made a lot of friends who were younger and I started hanging out with younger classmates after class. That meant that I started spending less time at home. My husband tried to get me to see what I was doing, but I could not see it at the time. He begged me to pay attention to our marriage, but I would not. Honestly, I’m ashamed to say this now, but at that time, it was as if I thought my husband was holding me back. So I pretty much ignored what he said. Eventually, he got tired of this and moved out. Although we haven’t really talked about it, I suppose we are separated now. And it’s only now that I realize what an idiot I’ve been. I’ve tried to apologize to my husband and explain all of this, but he mostly seems not to believe me and keeps saying that the damage is already done. I desperately want my old life back. I don’t even hang out with those people anymore and I now realize that I had a full blown mid life crisis that is now over. But how do I get my husband back now?”

You have to believe that it can be done. And I can tell you that it can because I’ve seen it done. But you will usually need some patience and an ability to keep trying even when you are not getting a response.

Understand How Hard This Must Have Been For Your Husband: First, it helps to understand and have some empathy for your husband. Imagine how it felt to be so helpless while watching your spouse act recklessly and to basically throw your marriage away for a while. When you look at it from his viewpoint, you can certainly understand why he’s leery of your claims. He remembers how badly it hurt to watch you slip away and he doesn’t want to be hurt again. As much as he may want to believe you, his fear of being hurt may be bigger than all of this.

Understand What He Likely Wants The Most: Second, you need to understand what he most wants to see from you. I’d suspect that what he wants most is stability. He has watched you be unstable for some time. Now, he wants to see you be your old, reliable, and loving self. Over and over again. Because although it’s nice to see it initially, he will often worry that as soon as he lets his guard down, you will get bored again and return to your old ways.

That is why it’s so important to be patient and to realize that you are going to have to show him stability over time. It’s very tempting to want him to give you reassurance or to take you back immediately. But this just isn’t realistic. And for the sake of your marriage, it is better if this process is gradual because this allows him to believe in it so that you have a firm base on which to rebuild. You don’t want for him to always be on alert that the shoe is going to drop again. You want him to have true confidence in you. And it’s hard to fast forward that process. Because it takes time.

Understand That Small Progress Makes Long Term Reconciliations: Start small. Maybe you start out just talking. Then, you move on to getting together in a very low key way on a regular basis. You don’t want to immediately push for a reconciliation because you have plenty to prove to him first. Move slowly and take a step forward as you are able. Show him that your relationship and his trust are more important to you than an immediate reconciliation. If you do this, he will eventually come to see that you are sincere and that he can trust you. And both of those are the first steps toward reconciling.

Tips For A Newly Wed Groom To Adjust In A Kannada Family

cabThere was a time when people used to consider Kannada families as bit traditional. But now, you will see that even they have become quite forward. So, if you are a new groom and have got the girl from a Kannada family then you can stay assured that you would have good gelling up with them. Kannada matrimony has so many rituals and customs. Thus, if you are a happy go lucky person who does not like to be part of such rituals then you must tame your mind a bit. It would be important that you have to get used to a few rituals. This is because; it would make the elders in the family happy.

The Kannada brides are pretty forward

It is important that note that even though the elders in a Kannada family would be more of the people who would love traditions, but the girls are quite forward. They are kept like in the way they can be all rounder. They respect the elders and at the same time they can work along with you. So, if you are a new groom then you must know what all rituals would be there and at the same time you should be happy that you found a girl which is really good by all means.

Tips you must remember

  • Being the new groom for a Kannada family, you must start respecting the elders. They would like talking to you and knowing things about you. It is not that they are interviewing you. But in reality, they just want to gel up with you.
  • In Kannada matrimony the relatives would call the new groom for lunch and dinner after the wedding. In fact, this is common for almost all castes. Thus, you should just find out from the bride as to who’s who and who’s doing what. This would help in keeping the conversations better.
  • You can find out from some Kannada friend as to what kind of dressing should be worn at the wedding. Also, there would be many side functions and what all clothing and attire should be worn. You can even find such details from the internet.
  • Being the groom to a Kannada family, the family would have a few expectations from you. These things are all emotionally attached and so you must try to fulfill them if possible.

Kannada people are very much sweet and they love authentic foods. If you have never tried such typical south Indian foods then you would feel bit different. Since you have got married to the Kannada bride, it would be vital to know a bit of the background and about the place. This will help in initiating the conversations. In one way, you must try to be part of the family and this would keep your wife happy forever. Every female wants that the husband should love and respect her family! So, just be sure as to how you wish to go ahead.

Saving Your Marriage Relationship

merYears ago, you took a vow in front of your family, friends, and God with your spouse. You likely held your spouse’s hands, looked in their eyes, and told them that you take them to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, and to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do you part. After you made your public commitment to your beloved, you likely sealed your love with a kiss. As soon as your lips touched, you heard the cheer of the crowd, and the pastor, priest, or government official pronounce you as man and wife. At that point you entered the sacred institution of marriage.

In that instance, your love was true and you likely believed you found your soul mate. As in most fairy tales, you thought that you would live with your loved one happily ever after. Over the next few months and years, your life continued and so did your spouse’s. You may have gone back to school, received a promotion, moved to another city, created new friendships, or may have had children. Simply put, your life didn’t stop. Think about your commitments, obligations, relationships, and experiences since your wedding day. They have certainly changed your personality, likes, and expectations. Your promise to your spouse on your wedding day was just a moment in time, possibly at that moment you wanted or needed your spouse more than you do now.

You have grown apart, instead of committing to stay involved in each other lives, you have drifted apart. The communication about your hopes, dreams, and fears has stopped. The feeling of neglect, jealousy, manipulation, or even trust could be creeping into your marriage. Possibly, one or both of you have found a sympathetic listener to the problems facing your marriage. Maybe, one person in the relationship has taken on an excessive amount of responsibility at work. How can you re-connect with your spouse and find the person that you fell in love with and married?

You can make your marriage stronger by re-opening the lines of communication. Sit down with your spouse and have a heart to heart talk. Open up and share your feelings and your concerns. Tell them what is bothering you and what you think you can do together to re-kindle your fading relationship. Change your daily habits to help your relationship develop in a positive way. Start to show them you appreciate them by greeting them when they come home or by giving them a kiss goodbye in the morning. Show your loved one that you value them and your relationship with them; one way to do this is to create time for both of you at least a few times per month. One suggestion would be a date night. Date night should not include friends or children, just the two of you. This will allow you to openly talk about issues and try to work them out without any interference. Find an activity that you both enjoy, be adventurous. Marriage is a two-way street; it will take both of you to make it work long-term.

First Steps To Save Your Marriage

nyHow do you go about trying to save your marriage?

For one, stop fighting with your spouse over stupid things.

Another step to save your marriage is stop using work and the kids as an excuse for having a horrible relationship.

Also, do at least one positive thing each day to make your marriage better.

Can you imagine how much better your marriage could be if you took these baby steps over the next 30 to 60 days?

Now, obviously changing your relationship from bad to good to great won’t happen overnight. But I assure you that it will never happen if you don’t start taking steps to save your marriage.

How about you start right now? Send your spouse a text message or email and simply say “I love you”. Nothing more and nothing less!

If you feel good after sending such a text you have just taken a baby step forward to save your marriage. Now, you do realize that in order to keep moving forward you can’t say I love you in a text message and call your spouse an idiot later in the day because he or she forgot to do something you asked to be done.

Positive words of affirmation are quickly erased and replaced by negative and sarcastic comments. Your spouse will not receive your kind and loving words if they are followed by mean, nasty and hurtful words and actions. You will have no credibility and thus your kind words or actions will not be received as such by your spouse.

One of the steps mentioned above is that you stop fighting over stupid things. We all mess up from time to time. Some of us more than others! Take time to think about what you fight about. Is it a fight worth having?

If it’s about unimportant things is it worth losing your marriage over it? If your marriage is sinking, every argument or fight puts it further and further underwater. When the baggage in the marriage gets too heavy, the marriage ends.

Why bury your marriage over petty issues. Be the more mature one and reduce the amount of childish fights you get into with your spouse. Keep in mind that you can’t tell your spouse that you are being the more mature one and thus you are not willing to fight anymore. That’s not very mature. Let your actions speak louder than your words.

As noted earlier it’s so very easy to use work and kids as an excuse for your marital problems. Don’t let that excuse drive you into divorce court. So many couples blame work and the kids for their marriage failure. You can have a job, kids and a good marriage. When you are struggling at work you put in extra time and effort to get better. You do the same thing when you see your kids growing up and becoming distant.

Why is it acceptable to become distant from your spouse? The person you promised to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

Make time for your spouse and you will have more than enough time for work and the beautiful kids you have.

Finally, make it a habit of saying or doing at least one kind thing for your spouse every day. It could be an encouraging word, a short note, an unexpected kind act or anything that would let your spouse know that he or she is loved and appreciated.

You don’t have to spend money on your spouse to make him or her happy, just thoughtful time.

Follow the simple advice noted above and you will be on your way to saving your marriage.

How Do Work Schedules Affect the Home

homHow do work schedules affect the home? Where do we draw the line between our calling and sacrificing time with our family?

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Harold’s dream is to get back into flying commercially after being away for the last 7 1/2 years. A big reason he left in the first place was because of low pay and an upgrade freeze. His student loans kept coming out of forbearance and amounting to the size of a mortgage payment. We couldn’t afford to make the payments. And as far as his work schedule went, it was variable; his trips would typically last anywhere from three to six days and then he would be home for two to four days.

Now that he is back in aviation, we’re going back to that variable schedule.

This type of schedule can be hard on marriages, whether or not children are involved. But I don’t believe the schedule is at fault when marriages fall apart.

There are certain things that come with any career. Certain expectations that are just part of doing business in that particular field. Most commercial pilots are away from home. They don’t have the ability to be home every night like some other careers allow. And other careers require the individual to be away from home, too. Or have a variable schedule that is even harder to adapt to.

But when we make our marriage vows, we make a commitment to one another. Whether we like it or not, the craziness of our spouse’s career becomes a part of our lives, too. We knew what we were signing up for. Sometimes people change their priorities and they give up on things that they once cared about because they care about something else more. But that isn’t always the case, and it shouldn’t be a requirement.

There is no arguing our calling. It’s just there and it stays with us even when we try to let it go. Sometimes we are able to let it go for a certain amount of time, but it pulls us right back in somewhere down the road. We feel a pull toward our calling, an urge or strong desire to fulfill that divine purpose. To deny ourselves is to deny God. We know what we should be doing, but when we don’t do it, we sacrifice more than what appears on the surface.

Personal fulfillment has a lot to do with this calling. Neglect of a calling can result in a person being home, but not mentally present. It can lead to frustration, irritability, and feeling uninspired. A strong marriage doesn’t require a spouse to be home every night; it requires a strong commitment to one another, trust, understanding, and quality time. Quality time is hard to achieve when one person in the relationship (or both) is not meeting his own personal goals that relate to his calling. Each of us has a divine purpose, and it’s up to us to work toward it.

The big question here is this: what is it you *think* you should be doing? And what will happen if you do the thing you *think* you should do?

If you give up on your career (and this applies only if your current career is your divine calling), what will happen? Will you be able to feel fulfilled in some other job? I can’t answer that question for you. Only you know the answer. And there isn’t anything wrong with taking a detour. Sometimes a detour is a blessing in disguise. But when that calling comes up again, will you be ready to answer?

Redefining Your Perception on Marriage

adSo many singles just hear that people are getting married and want to do same for the wrong reasons. They do not know what they are getting themselves into. The glamour of the wedding beclouds their judgement and the promise of a happy life ever after propels them to make decisions with their heads and not their hearts. No matter how many marital books you read or marriage seminars you attend, you can never be too prepared for marriage. There’s nothing like the real deal, so learn to manage your expectations so that you don’t get disappointed. Many singles think that they will be good marriage counselors because of the wealth of knowledge they garnered from books, only to get married and realize that it is easier to assess others than to be assessed. They soon discover the difference between literature and reality.

Many people have painted for themselves, a lovey-dovey picture about marriage portrayed by Rom-Com movies and Romance novels and this make singles fantasize and anticipate a perfect marriage. Romance is a good thing but just before you dive in, stop and ask yourself if you’re actually thinking before acting; The reason is because we keep making the same mistakes with our choices and do not learn from the experiences of others. The fact that some people come to social media on wedding anniversaries and write about how good, caring and supportive their spouse had been or how wonderful their marriage had been doesn’t mean that it is the true picture; they may be covering up their mess or hiding the scars from salvaged marriages.

Ladies, a man may mistakenly put you in the family way and make you have a baby out of wedlock but that doesn’t make him a husband; mistakes happen, learn, move on and don’t give up on yourself. Remember, there are many daddies out there but few fathers. Many are simply sperm donors with no accountability whatsoever. Don’t allow any man answer your crucial questions with motivational speeches like “I’m young and promising and capable of making you happy” when he doesn’t even have a job, incapable of getting one, lacks ideas on how to create one or simply clueless. Security in marriage is not found in men with 6-pack; a well-built man is attractive but a well-built home is long lasting and fulfilling. Don’t be a liability looking for accomplished men to attach yourself to for a better future; be a successful single and then accomplish greater things with your spouse.

Gentlemen, many of the hour-glass shaped ladies with long legs and smooth skins in the magazines you drool over are not found in homes but in the photo studios. When you do see them and that’s if you ever do, ask them how long it took them to look that way, how many people helped them look that way and ask their photographers how long it took them to complete their Photoshop. A wife and mother has got no such time; her hands will be rough from cooking your meals and doing your dirty laundry; her body will be battered from bearing your children. So, be careful what you wish for; wife materials are not groomed in public places. If you’re not a proper bachelor, you can hardly become a good husband; If you do not learn how to manage yourself and your resources as a single, you can hardly manage a home. Don’t start a family when you know you cannot provide for the basic needs; it’s a shame!

Please don’t get me wrong, no one is perfect; everyone is striving to be the best to their loved ones. We do not have the luxury or the capacity to mold the kind of partner we want; hence the need to look out for who we think is right. Please note that marriage is more about companionship, responsibility, accountability and sacrifice and less about sex, freedom, rings and titles of Mr. and Mrs. Do not marry just to make others happy and live in misery all your life. Do not marry out of pity, I cannot overemphasize this. Do not marry because 99.9% of people believe you’re good together. People change every day and marriage exposes everyone with time. People may pretend for years in relationships but in marriage, it takes just few days or months for the reality to set in.

Finally, guard your heart diligently. Do not rush into marriage now only to rush out a couple of months later. Age is a number; it shouldn’t be your number 1 reason for diving in. Study your partner carefully, do not be blinded by love or lust and neglect the details. Look, before marriage, you will be familiar with the big issues; it is the tiny details you overlooked that will do the damage. Do not marry if you’re incapable of forgiving your partner. I hear people say marriage is to be enjoyed and not endured; actually, prepare for both. There are so many marital victims out there, don’t be one of them and if you are, pray your way out of it. Look before you leap and just like a swimmer, do not dive into a pool that you have not properly assessed its depth; you may end up striking your head at the bottom and the damage may be irreparable.

Which Steps Should You Follow

dfgHaving your spouse move back in after a trial separation is the goal that most of us are hoping for more than anything else. That is the day that is marked in red on your calendar. That is the day that is going to seem like Christmas morning and your birthday all rolled into one.

But as the day looms large, you can start to worry about it. Many of us are aware that this might be our one and only chance to reconcile with our husband. What if something goes wrong? What if him moving home ends up in disaster? Because of these worries, people sometimes want to break the process down into steps to make sure that they are doing everything that they possibly can to be successful.

Someone may ask this question: “are there any steps that I can take to ensure that my separated husband’s return home is seamless and successful? I have waited for this day for so long. And I truly do not want to mess things up and cause stress by overthinking it. But I can not help myself. The stakes are really, really high right now. I feel like I only have one chance to make this right. What steps can I take to make sure it all goes the way that it should?”

I can certainly offer some suggestions. And frankly, I wish I had taken some of these steps myself. My husband and I successfully reconciled when he moved back home. But there were a couple of bumps and missteps along the way.

Make Sure That This Is What Both People Truly Want And That The Commitment Is There: This is very important. Sometimes, we sort of hound our husband to come back home before he is quite ready or willing to do so. We rush the process. And although he may have come home eventually anyway, by rushing, we know in our hearts that he isn’t completely on board. And this makes us worry that perhaps he isn’t as enthusiastic as he should be. Having him move back in is challenging enough without worrying about whether he truly wants to be there. That’s why I recommend waiting until it’s very clear that the time is right and that his moving back in is what you both want without reservations.

Be Clear On How It Is Going To Work. And Don’t Stop The Plan That’s Already In Place: There is a real temptation to declare that everything is fixed once he moves back in and then to fall back to your normal marriage. I strongly urge you to resist this temptation. If you fall back into your old marriage, you may too fall back into your old problems. This isn’t what you want.

It’s important that you both know what to expect and that anything that you’ve been doing to heal your marriage continues. If you’ve been in counseling, stay there for a little while during this transition. If you’re been regularly working on your issues on your own, keep right at it. Now is not the time to let your guard down. Additional small issues will often crop up initially. Having this sort of plan in place ensures that you will be able to work through them with confidence and that you won’t allow additional problems to crop up unchecked.

Try To Do It Somewhat Gradually: I think that it’s ideal to have him move back into the home in phases so that it is not so overwhelming. Start with a night or two. Then move on to weekends. Then allow the weekends to spill over some. Eventually, it will just be a natural progression for him to stay permanently. This allows you to get a peek at any issues that might come up and it just makes the transition a little easier on every one.

Never Stop Checking In On Your Marriage: I don’t want to tell you to overanalyze everything and not enjoy your reconciliation. But I can’t overstate the importance of taking the pulse of your marriage (and how you are both feeling) regularly when he moves back in. Know what is working well and what is not. And be willing to tweak as necessary. Be honest. And be flexible. It’s tempting to brush over the problems. But in truth that is the worst thing that you can do. Identify the issues quickly and have the courage to bring them into the light and erase them. Encourage your husband to be very honest about what he is feeling. Because you can’t address issues if you are both not honest about them when they come up.

Don’t Hold Back: It’s so normal to be guarded and closed off when he comes home. You’re so nervous that it is all going to go wrong. You can almost shut down because of this. Remember that you’re finally getting what you have been waiting for. This is truly cause for celebration and happiness. Sure, you don’t want to overstep and assume that you are home free. There is certainly a lot of work that still needs to be done. But look at the progress that you have made. There should be pride and hope in that.

Can Marriages Survive It

shI sometimes hear from folks who are reluctant to agree to a long amount time of away from their spouse. Often, the marriage has been struggling and they are afraid that the time apart is going to be more than the marriage can handle.

Regardless, often the spouse who is being asked to stay put wants to accompany their spouse because the idea of being separated for an extended period of time scares them. They are afraid that the physical separation is going to turn into a literal separation. Someone might say: “my husband has a long-term job offer in another state. I admit that it is a great opportunity. And I probably would not be as worried about it if our marriage was doing great. But it is not. We have been struggling for almost a year. I also feel that my husband would not be considering this position if our marriage was still thriving. Since he is considering it, I feel like he is trying to escape me and our marriage. He is telling me that he thinks that a separation will do us both some good and will help us to reevaluate what we want. The way that he is talking, it makes me think that he believes that we are going to be officially separated while we are separated by distance. I’m afraid to ask him if this is true. My worry is that if he takes this position and we’re officially separated at the same time, our marriage just will not survive this. There is no word on how long the position will last. He could he gone for a quite a while. Do any marriages survive a long separation (time wise) when the couple is literally separated with a long physical distance?”

Yes, marriages do survive this. Sometimes, when couples “officially” separate, one of them moves away — or at least travels for some time. There are bicoastal marriages that survive. (Granted, many couples who attempt this have strong marriages. But many who are struggling make it also.) And the reason for this is that sometimes, the time apart can bring about a change in perception. When your spouse is no longer there, your ability to take them for granted diminishes. You may find yourself feeling lonely rather than free. And once this process happens, you may begin to realize that the issues that you thought were insurmountable may not be – assuming that you are willing to work hard to fix them.

Tips For Minimizing The Damage During A Long Separation: Whether you are talking about “long” in terms of a long separation meaning time, or “long” meaning distance, I think that it’s vital to remain in close contact. It’s very easy to let long periods of time go by without touching base and these lapses can lead to an EMOTIONAL distance rather than a physical one.

With this said, it can be extremely tricky to strike a balance between staying in close contact and giving your spouse “space.” In fact, this is probably the topic that I am asked the most about. When your spouse wants to separate from you, they are not always agreeable to constant communication. And when you attempt that, they will sometimes become frustrated and distant.

That’s why I’ve found it very important to try to agree on a schedule that you can both live with before he actually leaves. If he is resistant or says that he wants to just “see how it goes,” suggest touching base with one another at set times that are agreeable to both parties. If he is still noncommittal, then know that you may have to take the initiative at first.

Then, when you call at the agreed-upon time, you may get various responses from him. Try to adjust as needed. Some days, you may find him agreeable, affectionate, and animated. And the next day, it may be like pulling teeth to get him to talk to you. All of these responses are normal. It’s very easy to panic when you get so many different responses, but in my experience, it is best that you don’t. Because this will often just make it worse. Just tell yourself that you will give it some time and re-evaluate in a little while.

I know that this is a very difficult thing that you are facing. I know how scary this is. And you can certainly share your concerns with him before he makes a decision about taking the position and initiating a separation. There’s no question that the time and distance can pose additional challenges. But, I don’t want you to be discouraged, either. Many couples do survive separations that are long in terms of both time and distance. For some, the distance actually works for them instead of against them.

5 Ways to Cope With a Sexless Marriage

veWhat is a sexless marriage? It is a marriage with little or no sexual activities. Experts describe that couples who are having sex 10 times or less in a year is considered living in a sexless marriage. Although it is best for couples to keep a healthy and active sex life, it is not uncommon for couples to live in marriage without sex. Can couples cope with a sexless marriage?

There are many reasons why a marriage becomes sexless. It can be caused by medical issues, couples became too busy with their careers and jobs, having children, exhaustion, lack of sex drive or desire, etc. If you decided to stay in a sexless marriage, no matter what the cause of the lack of sex in your marriage, coping with a sexless relationship needs some work.

Choosing to stay in a sexless marriage is a personal choice but it is worth saving your marriage. Can this kind of marriage work? It don’t work in every marriage but to others, yes, a sexless marriage works. There are couples who are in a sexless marriage for years and yet living a happy, meaningful married life because they’ve learned to cope with a sexless marriage.

Here are some helpful ways to cope with a sexless marriage.

Do not blame yourself or your spouse. The lack of sex in your marriage doesn’t mean you are no longer desirable or attractive. There are many reasons behind a sexless marriage and it is an issue that both you and your spouse are involved so it is not entirely your fault. Do not blame your spouse either because blaming is not the solution to this issue but it will just aggravate the situation. You and your partner are in this together so it is best to face this issue together to find the best solution. It is less challenging to cope with a sexless marriage if you will stop blaming each other.

Have an agreement or compromise. It is important for both partners to talk about the lack of sex in their marriage. It is best if you both agree and decided to live a meaningful and happy married life despite the lack of sex in your relationship. It is not easy, as you both may encounter trials and challenges while trying to cope with a sexless marriage but what is important is that you communicate about it and be able to find the middle ground, compromise and come out with an agreement. You both have to work hard together than other couples to be able to cope with a sexless marriage.

Explore other ways to stay emotionally and physically connected. Understand that emotional intimacy in a marriage cannot be attained through sexual intercourse only. Although it may be true that sex is one of the best ways for couples to connect emotionally, the lack of sex doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. There are other ways for spouses to stay emotionally connected. Lack of sex is not uncommon in a marriage and there are celibate couples who lead a meaningful and happy married life. Stay emotionally and physically connected with each other. Emotional intimacy is not only about sexual intimacy but it is more about matters of the heart. Emotional connection with each other doesn’t always involve your genitals. Explore other ways to stay connected with each other. Emotional connection can be made by making time for each other, communicating regularly, listening to each other, opening up with each other, doing things together, playing together, creating new hobbies or memories together, taking a vacation or couples retreat together. Explore other ways to stay physically intimate with each other. Hugging each other more, kissing regularly or massaging your spouse are some ways to stay physically connected with each other.

Work on the issues behind your sexless marriage. There’s nothing much you can do if the reason behind your sexless marriage is a medical issue but to accept the reality and try your best to cope with a sexless marriage. If the reason for the lack of sex in your marriage is something else, it is best to work on the issues together. If it’s not a medical issue, what’s causing your lack of sex drive? Is the lack of physical intimacy a result of unresolved marital issues? Is your careers or individual issues causing you to drift apart? Sometimes the lack of sex is not the problem but it is the result of other issues in your marriage. While you may both consider that it is okay not to have frequent sex with each other, still it is best to work on the underlying issues to make sure that your marriage is okay and there are no unresolved issues. If you need help to resolve the issues causing your sexless marriage, do not hesitate to seek help. It is best to exhaust all possible solutions to save your marriage.

Focus on the wonderful things your marriage have and not what’s lacking in your marriage. It can be more challenging and frustrating to cope with a sexless marriage if you will keep thinking about what is lacking in your marriage so stop being negative and start focusing on the positive side of your marriage. Sex maybe one important part of a marriage but there are other things in your marriage that you should be grateful and those things may serve as reasons why you should continue loving and respecting your spouse. Is the lack of sex in your marriage enough reason to leave your marriage? I hope not, because true love must be beyond sex.

Talk of Orgasm Does Not Necessarily Lead to More Sex

sxzIronically (because only men’s responsiveness declines with age) women are often more sexually active when younger. Once a woman has children she is much less motivated by sex. Women are more confident about admitting that intercourse does not cause orgasm as they age, by acquiring status or wealth or through education. Women today say they have orgasms during sex and yet they are less amenable than older generations.

Andrea Burri’s notes that ‘female sexual dysfunction’ (FSD) is increasing: “One of the diagnostic criteria for FSD is feeling distressed. But what causes the distress? Is it the condition itself, or is it what you think is expected of you and in turn, what you start expecting of yourself? The way sex is portrayed in the media and in films often provides us with a base of comparison that is not always realistic for the individual.” (2011)

For men, any lower body contact with an attractive partner is erotic and therefore, to varying degrees, emotionally fulfilling. Men perceive women to be ‘inhibited’ because they assume that women should naturally be aroused as men are by physical proximity to a lover. In fact women’s lack of responsiveness means they do not respond to sexual scenarios as readily as men do. This is not inhibition but simply the way women have evolved.

The Italian researchers Vincenzo & Giulia Puppo explain the key misunderstanding: “Many men think long intercourse is the key to having orgasms during intercourse, but long intercourse is not helpful to women and some females may be grateful to get it over with quickly… The majority of women worldwide do not have orgasms during intercourse: as a matter of fact, female sexual dysfunctions are popular because they are based on something that does not exist, i.e. the vaginal orgasm.” (2014)

Both sexes feel responsible for female orgasm through intercourse and the resulting taboo makes it difficult to find answers. Telling women that they should orgasm through intercourse causes disappointment and frustration. Women end up accepting their unresponsiveness as an excuse for not making any effort in sex. Telling women they need to take an interest in sex for their lover’s sake (in return for his engagement on more emotional and romantic interaction) may work for those who can cope with such honesty.

Women’s genitalia change significantly as they age. I found that increased vaginal secretions made intercourse more comfortable over time but I have no sense of arousal. I offer vaginal intercourse when I know my own arousal is unlikely or once I have had a climax through clitoral stimulation.