Initiating Sex series – My wife is initiating sex and I don’t know about it… That’s right fellas your wife is initiating sex and more often than you think. Pay closer attention and give her some credit. If this were a men’s only article, I would literally write 2 or 3 killer opening sentences and before getting right to the point. If you want her to get the message you have got chill out when it seems like I am favoring the female perspective. I am not biased at all and the goal here is for us all to receive and share in efforts to learn from each other.
Every man wants his wife to initiate sex sometimes…
The thing is she might not be doing it or saying it the way that you have desired to receive it but trust me often times she is actually the one who did initiated it… You just took the credit. What husband doesn’t want to feel like when he’s having sex with his wife that she actually wants to have sex with him? “Ladies, hear me out, we want YOU to be more vocal sometimes. What we actually want is to hear YOU tell us that you want it and your husband loves it when you tell him when, where, why and how you want him.”
Let’s all take a step back and seek to understand our spouses, what it is they feel they are doing and what they desire and have healthy dialogue about it. Happy fellas? Good! Now it’s your turn to do the listening. She wants to be pursued… Most women, not all, but most are very submissive when it comes to initiating sex; it is what is. The feminine ways of the wife comes out and her inner princess kicks into overdrive. Now fellas the inner princess is a three headed monster, not really because it’s very non-threatening. I call it 3 headed and drop the monster part. The first head is comes from her daddy/uncle/grandfather they may her feel like the world was waiting on her and that she literally only needed to show up. “I am guilty of that with my nieces.” The second head was developed by you. You have catered to her and made her feel comfortable and confident in her femininity sense the day you laid eyes on her. The third one is her nature coupled with traditional teachings of the chivalrous man. So without training and communication her instinct is to wait for you to make the first move. She may make herself available to you but she badly wants to be pursued. Think about the fact that most men not all but most men will be the ones who initiate asking the woman out. To be honest there are some women who won’t have it any other way. How often do you hear the husband and wife debate about who went after who first? It’s common right? Well the reason why, is because more times than none their perspective of what happened is just different even though the stories maintain some sort of closeness. Perspective is sometimes a silent killer that must have a voice. For the purpose of this example we will call the husband Tony, the wife Sharon and her friends name will be Tina.
Okay here we go…
Tony and Sharon are an awesome couple and others have always been intrigued to hear the story of how they met just as much as Tony and Sharon enjoy sharing it. While the pair have very few disagreements, this is a subject they playfully debate about quite often… their accounts of just who went after whom first is ALWAYS in question.
Tony consistently boasts that his wife, Sharon, pursued him first while she insists Tony was the one to pursue his interest in her. As they each tell their accounts of the night they met, they both agree on a few details… they met at a party when Sharon’s friend Tina mentioned to Tony that her friend “thought he was cute” and suggested that he ask her to dance. They agree that the attraction was mutual as Tony owned up to checking her out from afar and Tina agrees that she saw him and told Tina she thought he was “cute or whatever”. They also agree to exchanging numbers after Sharon agreed to Tony’s invitation to dance. Their story begins to divide when it comes to the initiation of pursuit.
Tony believes that Sharon was the initiator because it was her friend, Tina, who initially approached him to let him know of Sharon’s attraction and suggesting that he make the next move by asking her to dance. Sharon on the other hand, insists that it was actually Tony who initiated their encounter because he introduced himself to her.
If you examine the situation closely it seems like they both Tony and Sharon experienced the same encounter, however they did not experience it the same way. The differences in each of their experiences contributed to how they determined the true initiator. (In my eyes Tina was the initiator.)
What’s more important to you being right or being productive?
This type of cross pattern in communication happens a lot of times in marriage and the bedroom is not off limits either. Often times a “feminine submissive” wife will make herself available by putting the kids to bed early, cleaning up, not turning the TV on, showering and hopping into the bed waiting on her husband to make his move. If he doesn’t she may feel unwanted and sadly off to sleep she will go. On the other hand the husband may see this as repeat neglectful behavior and doesn’t realize that she has presented her interest, only in a non-verbal way. When he does make the advance in this situation he feels that he alone initiated sex, not realizing that the opportunity was present because his wife in fact desired sex and thought that this message was made clear because she presented herself as available for it, assuming that he would reciprocate by following up with a more assertive response.
Does this sound like you? Unfortunately, this is a pattern happening with many husbands and wives every night.
If we allow this to continue often enough the wife may feel like her initiating sex is being ignored… rejected even and the husband will grow frustrated and may even feel like she is only having sex with him as if sex is a “chore” or a wifely duty, instead of feeling desired.
Don’t forget to use your words…
Finding out how your partner recognizes initiation in the bedroom is key, you HAVE to talk to each other. The sexual frustration that develops from feeling rejected or undesired is dangerous! Tensions grows which eventually leads to lack luster sex or no sex at all. Soon the arguments start because the husband is highly frustrated. Meanwhile, the wife feels rejected and unattractive.
… and I think you may guess what happens next!
The husband belts out “I’m sick of you never initiating sex I am tired of being the only one who ever initiates sex.” In defense the wife yells out “I do initiate sex” The husband fires back “How?” She explains how she puts the kids to bed early, cleans up, doesn’t turn the TV on, showers and gets into bed waiting for him only to have him act like she doesn’t even exist. He laughs in rage “You call that initiating sex? You don’t even do anything. You just lay there waiting for me to make a move.” The wife shuts down because she thought the entire time that she was doing her part only to get this reaction from her frustrated, hurting husband. She now feels lost because she doesn’t even know where to begin. The husband in his rage is upset with her quietness and just goes to sleep only to revisit this dangerous cycle every few months until the brink of talks of divorce.
Inside the arguments lies the treasure of the unspoken…
If the husband and wife could have presented their perspectives to each other before arguing about them things could have been a lot different but instead they allowed time and routine to take over and now they are in sexual rut and at the point of possibly splitting up. It’s not too late! What has to happen now is forgiveness and then a plan of action must be put in place and they have to get comfortable with sharing their sexual needs wants and desires with each other before the point of frustration. So let me be clear there is absolutely nothing wrong with a “feminine submissive” wife. What I am saying, is that she needs to be and feel understood and may need training and patience while she tries to meet demands and needs of her husband to be more forth coming and vocal when she is initiating sex.
I like it like that…
Tell your spouse what you need and take turns accommodating each other’s individual needs. This is another reason why you need to connect physically so often because you don’t want the other spouse to feel cheated in their efforts to meet your needs that theirs are ignored because connection is so far apart. It’s so important that when your spouse is making an effort to meet your needs, whether it’s in initiating sex, in the act itself or during pregame activities; you need to tell them that you appreciate them and that you liked it when they did whatever it was that you desire from them. As you can see I am big on recognition.
… Just the opposite?
Let’s not forget about the “feminine dominant” wife. Often times she gets a bad rep because she is misunderstood and the fact is just like every spousal type she needs training to properly accommodate the needs of her husband and vice versa.
She is naturally more vocal both in and out of the bedroom. She embraces her femininity but at the same time she can be very dominant and leans more on presence than her emotions. I will say it again there is nothing wrong with a “feminine submissive or dominant” wife as long as their husbands seek to understand them and how they are wired while they simultaneously work to be more accommodating to the needs of that husband.
The plus side to her nature is the fact that she may not have a problem saying to her husband that she wants sex or how in fact she wants it. Outside of the bedroom she typically is result oriented oppose to dealing with the emotional sides of things which often time can match that of a husband. There is a lot more to her but by now you may think that the “feminine dominate” wife is ideal oppose to the submissive but really it’s about preference. Even they have lots to work on how to properly initiate sex with their husband because of other deficiencies. They may have the vocal part down to a science and may naturally be more confident in verbally speaking their mind about their particular sexual needs but she may also come off brash and forget to turn off the domineering when the husband wants to be in control. This may be a major problem when the husband wants to have sex with his wife who feels that she can reject his sexual request because she is busy, tired or just doesn’t want to be very sexy at the moment. Also, when she feels pain or hurt she may verbalize it in a way that is not well received by her husband and his masculinity could be threatened. These problem and others arise when she lets her dominant nature get out of order. Some “feminine dominate” wives can be controlling, dominating, or even abusive to their husbands and in result lead to a serious breakdown in communication because of the lack of resources for those experiencing this to get the proper help. This can also spill over into the bedroom and the husband can feel more like a tool than a wanted husband. The husband can feel like he is in a relationship with another male because of her personality if she doesn’t work to add more submissive balance. The obvious problem here is that the average heterosexual husband does not want to have sex with a wife who he views as too masculine and especially not at the expense of his own masculinity.
Earlier I mentioned, how communicating with the “feminine dominant” wife can often times be easier for the husband because of the common thought process. This can also be bad because having two strong opinions that have different views can lead to very intense conversations. It is advantageous for the couple to table the conversations for a later time so that intimacy isn’t totally destroyed.
Eventually I will create more content that is focused on the nature of a man and woman and how your nature is not your excuse in marriage. For now I am just going to touch on it and move on so I can get to my final thought. So here’s my final thought… No matter what feminine wife type that you are or have both submissive and dominant need the same core things:
- Training – She must be taught what you like in order to accommodate her husband’s needs in communicating and in the bedroom.
- Patience – She will need time to adjust because this may be very new for her and at first she may learn to her individual nature. Sometimes she will need a nice reminder
- Recognition – If she is making an effort to meet the need of her husband he should be working doubly as hard to meet hers as well as recognizing her for her efforts.
Wives it is important that you not to let your nature or the way that you wired get in the way or be an excuse not to accommodate your husband’s needs.